TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed through the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely away from place. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But Sure, confident, let us have A different put the place American Adult men can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst previous negotiations unsuccessful underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: offer you Absolutely everyone a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often comfortable power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It is really that he must end applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the project, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people today. Terrific tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a characteristic being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It is not merely unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Complicated Features


Perhaps the strangest component of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium in which attendees may contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with weather control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are unsure what to Trump Tower Damascus generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Technique: "Should you Bomb It, They're going to Appear"


The advert marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is Eternally."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "where by's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is already attracting consideration from international traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll invest in three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree will likely consist of:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort the place my PTSD may have transform-down company."


One more article from @KuwaitiKardashian just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to construct a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It essential gold. It essential a waterslide shaped similar to the Constitution. I gave it all three. You are welcome."

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